Worst possible housemate ad snippets
These are all actual lines featured in flatmate adverts, our editor gives his thoughts.
1) “I won't bother you too much in your flat as I do not have friends.”
Aww…there, there, now. Your only mate, Pinocchio, has upped and left ya? He thought you were too clingy? What does he know? He’s a bloody puppet who’s gotten waaaay too big for his boots since he became a real boy. Real boys are sooo last Werther’s Original.
Pssst, rumour has it that once every 7 years, round about midnight, if you dip a gingerbread man in a bowl of Cocopops, he’ll come to life and be your friend forever. The seventh yeareth happeneth to be’eth tomorrow’eth, so get to dippity dipping…in private, mind you…’cos people might think you’re crazy, but it’ll be so worth it when they see you coming out your front door (in slow motion like they do in the movies) with, like, the best friend EVER.
2) “Looking for a heavy sleeper as I’m a sleepwalker”
Nah-ah, I ain’t sleeping with a sleepwalker.
Scenario: In the land of sleepwalking, Mr SleepWalker’s freezing his balls off. And so he braves the cold to go chop some wood, makes a fire and snuggles up in front of it with his girlfriend.
Unfortunately, the only thing that was real was the fire …for Mr SleepWalker woke up the next morning to find his one-eyed teddy bear all soiled up with his man-juice…and Mr HeavySleeper roasting over the fire with an apple up his butt.
Thankfully, by virtue of his name, Mr HeavySleeper didn’t feel a thing when he was bludgeoned for fire fodder. Mr SleepWalker, however, was let off on a technicality. His lawyer overslept.
3) “Not just looking for a flatmate, I want someone to share my passion, life and much more – we’d be great together"
4) “I want to have some fun while studing!! I want to meet new people and I want to make a lot of friends!! I'm.. well.. It's me!! jeje I want the things done correctly and I like them done in the less time possilbe... I'm like this! jeje
I love the music and also.. the economy! which I'm studying! oh! and I love shopping!! Jejej”
You, my friend, have the Irritating Little Twit gene…in buckets. Which is why you’d be the perfect present for Simon Cowell’s 50th. Does Je stand for John and Edward?
Go get ‘em, tiger.
Erm, and if you keep on saying ‘jeje’ like it’s the only frikkin word you know, the only new person you’ll be meeting …is the one staring back at you in the mirror.
5) “has to have a jacuzzi and its own personal tube station”
Yeah, riiiight and Paris Hilton’s president of the United States where all the king’s horses and all the king’s men ride around in pink armour and perfectly manicured nails?
This ad has got to be a joke. I’m certain of it.
(p.s.: I better be careful what I say re: Paris Hilton. I mean, look at Arnold Schwarzenegger, for cris-sake.)
6) “I am expecting to be able to use the kitchen and the bathroom”
And you thought that one up all by yourself?….with no help from the tooth fairy?
7) “Former legal professional looking to start a new career, and returning to school as a train”
The Artist Formerly Known As Prince, please meet The Train Formerly Known As Legal Professional.
I just knew you’d both get along. A joy to watch (sniffle, sniffle).
8) “I am a single boy working as IT engineer in london. I am looking to rent a house but pls with no boys. I am basically indian boy but can share room with any religion but with no boys. So please if you are boys or looking to share with boys dont contact me.
I prefer only to share house or room with girls but not boys”.
Not a problem. Do you want fries with that? And maybe a bullshit detector to wash it down with?
Right. Coming up.
p.s.: A roomful of girls does not make a single boy un-single.
9) “Im looking for room for 1 person or less from 2nd of October”
One person ‘or less’, huh?
Speak to Mr SleepWalker. I’m sure he’ll be able to sort you out (with or without his eyes closed).
10) “Honestly a bathtube would be a dream, but one must not live all their dreams”
Meanwhile, in the Dragons’ Den…
“Hello Dragons. My name is Sodoff Adams. I’ve created a bath shaped like a tube and would like an £85,000 investment in exchange for a 15% stake in the business. The cylindrical shape will aid the conversion of underwater farts into pure glycerine while ensuring that rubber duckies do not melt under the pressure of said underwater methane.
Thank you for listening.
I’m open to any questions.”