Most frightening possible lines in a flatshare ad

Real lines from people seeking flatshares, our editor provides a commentary!

1) “Why not meet up on Saturday night I’m around till 3am in Soho to see if we can fit”

Soho? Saturday? 3am? Oh, go on then, it’s a date. It’s not as if I have anything better to do. I’ll bring some coke, condoms and cream cake, ok …and some knitting if it starts to get a bit boring.

See you then. Can’t wait.


2) “Just got out of a long term relationship and to start the next chapter in my life, I’m 45 years old and have never shared before. I’m looking for a place to stay, obviously where I can be alone to collect my thoughts.”

The idea of sharing a flat with someone who’s just gotten out of a long term relationship is kinda daunting, especially if you’re in a pretty good relationship yourself. I mean, this person might very well say s/he ‘vonts to be ah-lone’, but you just watch: a simple ‘hi’ from you to them on your way to the loo will end up with a 90 minute reminiscent session about their ex and how good things were (and you crossing/uncrossing your legs in I-need-to-go-pee desperation going ‘yeah’, ‘yeah’, ‘oh, shame that’, ‘mmm-hmm’).

Best solution: dig a secret tunnel from your room to the loo.


3) “Live in Landlord Sleeps only 3/4 nights a week”

Only? Well, why not round it up to 5 nights. Oh and while you’re at it, why don’t you stay the frikkin weekend too. Christmas as well.

Can you imagine if it’s a 2-bedroom flat? Claustrophobic, indeed.

What are the bets that the landlord only rents out to female tenants? Bet he’s really nosey too. If you smell a whiff of Brut on your knickers, love, it ain’t your imagination. At best, he’s been sniffing them. At worst, he’s been wearing ‘em. Either way, not good.


4) “I’m not aware of anyone being mugged in the area so hopefully that shouldn’t be an issue”

…yeah because the area you live in has a population …of one. You.

This person could be telling the truth, but that’s beside the point …’cos the thing is when someone says there are no muggings in the locality, it just makes you wonder WHY the bloody hell they had to go and say it in the first place. Why say there are no muggings if there aren’t any? It’s like stopping a random stranger and saying “you’re not ugly and you haven’t got B.O”. What the hell are they meant to think to that?

Which drives me to the conclusion, my dear Watson, that there are muggings in that area …lots of it.

5) “Looking for open minded males and females”

Why ‘open minded’? And open minded to what exactly: sex, drugs, religion, the taste of butter on toasted toilet roll, counting air, speaking to sunflowers??? It’s the lack of any further explanation as to what they mean by ‘open minded’ that makes it kinda scary ‘cos it could mean anything from the weird to the acutely extreme.

The live-in landlord sounds way creepier though.

Hmm, the ‘no-muggings’ place is starting to look a bit more appealing, methinks.


6) “A fire exit in the room”

Fire exit in the room? Well, that makes sense. Totally. I mean, a room without a fire exit isn’t really a room, is it now? It’s just a room pretending to be a room, a wanna-be room, a delusional room, a room in denial, a room with serious identity issues.

Every pillow should have a fire exit too. And every wardrobe. And every doll’s house.

A CD player has a fire exit.

Does too.


7) “I’m looking for someone who loves Chihuahuas”

i) so this ‘someone’ doesn’t have to like you then – just your Chihuahua.

ii) can your Chihuahua make a mean cup of tea in the morning… ‘cos if it doesn’t, I ain’t moving in. Heeeell no.

iii) can it do a River Dance better than that dog in the Wink Bingo ad?

iv) has it ever been mugged?

v) how soon can it replace Louis Walsh on the X Factor?


8) “A room without a window if possible”

It’s odd that someone would want a windowless room, but hey, it’s a free country. It does make you wonder though. Why no windows? Are they scared of looking out of one or scared someone’s gonna look in. No windows makes me think of padded walls, strait jackets and Jack Nicholson. In any case, a basement would be ideal for them, I guess.

On the flip side, it could be this person’s perfectly sane, is an avid photographer and wants to use it as a dark room.



9) “If you crap on me we can come to an arrangement on the rent”

Ok, cool. Is that with or without a kebab the night before? I can do curry too. Are you partial to a bit of fibre? I find it helps with the, ahem, landing.

Will you cover expenses ‘cos kebabs ain’t as cheap as they used to be; gone up 30% since the credit crunch, you know.

Uh huh. Your crappy little secret’s safe with me. Totally. (naaah, you’ve got it all wrong – my eye twitches when I’m telling the truth, not when I’m not).


10) “Military background is essential”

Dear Mr Military-Background-Is-Essential,

What if I gave you a free Action Man figure instead? Vintage. Worth a fortune.

Erm, it’s missing its little gun though …and its boots

…and its trousers.

Sorry.

My mum can sew a little pair of trousers for it though.


Cheers…

Somewhere-Over-the-Rambo.


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